Why? My mom said I fainted when I saw my Dad beating my older siblings up violently as a toddler. I was always a sensitive kid I guess, but how come my childhood I dunno it seems kinda hazy.
I have a pretty good memory, I don’t drink, do drugs, and I’m 18 years old college freshman. When bad things happened it was so weird. I’d leave the house a bit shocked but would forget about everything quickly, however once my mom found me walking around outside after my Dad was shoving me around and threatened to kill me. My mom questioned me about it and for some reason when I tried to talk about it I couldn’t stop crying, my body was all tingly, I could barely breathe, lost my energy and basically it was weird stuff that never happened to me before. I’m the type to never show sadness in front of others by the way, but I just couldn’t help it.
When I was 16 it was so weird. My short term memory got so bad (always walking into a room and forgetting why), I was always tired, poor self esteem, I thought about killing myself all the time and these thoughts put a smile to my face and I’d never concentrate in class cause I was thinking about this or was really sad, yet I always smiled, joked. My mom never even suspected I was depressed.
I went to therapy because long story short I felt so bad one day I couldn’t handle it anymore, saw my school counselor and told him personal issues and I ended up in therapy. I only went like 3 sessions though before I quit cause I never felt more anxious in my life. I wanted to hide from my therapist, I felt sick. She was nice, but talking about my childhood made me cry the whole time and I couldn’t even look her in the eyes, I felt so uncomfortable and somewhat embarrassed too. I had a bunch of bottled emotions I guess come out and I felt terrible and emotionally drained the whole rest of the day so I quit therapy. I did manage to stop getting suicidal thoughts, but my self esteem was still low.
I never was able to make close friends until this summer I did. Now I can’t even hug this boy. (I’m a girl) I feel pretty bad about that. He’s helped me so much and was my first real friend ever. After hanging out with him I wrack my brains over why I can’t hug him. When we depart, I just say bye and leave sorta quick. Luckily this boy is gay, but I still felt real nervous when we were alone at first, but now I completely trust him. However when any other guy touches me in any way, pat on back or something I feel really uncomfortable, and actually ended up turning down a boy going to homecoming. (I did like him, but I felt so uncomfortable with the thought of dancing with a guy and stuff). Even when friends that are girls randomly give me a hug I feel real awkward.
I never think about my childhood ever though. Do you think it still is screwing me up despite that? I feel sad when my friends talk about that past and I never want to join them and I almost feel like crying, but I always am able to laugh or joke even when I feel bad. Am I somehow subconsciously blocking memories and stuff or what? What’s going on here?
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